There can be miracles

And here I sit, Monday afternoon. I've spent the whole day in bed. Well, inbetween getting food from the kitchen and frequent wee trips! It is meant to be my busiest day, but I have rested. My mind has not, but my body has. And after all this, if I'm not pregnant, well I still needed this time.

In my enthusiasm and also impatience I convinced myself doing the First Response pregnancy test on Sunday a mere 48 hours early would show up enough levels of the pregnancy hormone to give us the positive we have longed for. Hmm, it came back negative and suddenly my world turned upside down.

This last week has been dreadful. I have had cramping getting worse with every day. As the days have gone on it is increasingly like period pain with heaviness down below. I had convinced myself it hasn't worked. I was initially sensitive to smells, now I am not so much. I have developed a horrible not easy to describe taste in my mouth and have had days of consitpation(which is VERY much unlike me). Other days I've gone once, maybe twice unlike the 3-5 times I normally go. I have very sore breasts, but then no more than I tend to get every month before my period. I thought they were bigger, but they are not usually that small anyway. Since Friday I have had a fuzzy feeling in my head that leaves me feeling a bit sick on and off. Whenever I exert myself slightly I feel a bit sick, get some stronger cramps and then can feel dizzy. I am very tired - maybe not sleeping well enough. Each thing can be described away by attributing it to the concoction of drugs I'm on, or even wishful thinking, or doing too much when my body is under so much pressure. Either way, my heart and mind are doing battle with each other. One day my heart beleives but my mind explains it away, the other day my mind says this could be it when in my heart I feel it isn't. This roller coaster is terrible and I hate that I am on it. Are there not more straight forward routes? Can I not either have success or a lack of want to attain it?

So back to here and now. What do I feel, what do I believe and what can I do about it anyway. Ok, so I have to test tomorrow because that is when I was told to test ... Naughty me thinking the hundreds of blogs and fertility friends posts would influence my outcome. I'm sure God is trying to teach me a lesson in patience anyway, because I am the first to admit it is my weakest point. But what happens next. In my heart I want to believe in the miracle ... There can be miracles when we believe, though hope is frail it's hard to kill. To me that means when you are hanging on by the tenter hooks to the teeny tiny bit of hope nobody can kill it (the hope) it won't be squashed! Where would we be if we had lost hope. And in that moment when we saw a negative my hope was lost. It didn't stay away because God replaced it and gave me peace with it. I let my head think about it and I am begging God to have mercy on me and this baby, that he will allow this child to be born into the world. Selfishly, I want to know my child, I want to help raise him (or her) and I want it really badly. But I can't do anymore now ... Wait and pray and hope!

Yesterday I started to entertain the idea of adoption again. I love the children I care for with a special kind of love that I don't see other minders having. So maybe I could love an adopted child far more than anyone else could? Maybe I shouldn't write this off all the time, cause maybe God is being clear about it and is annoyed I am not listening. Then again I think well why did I get 2 frozen embryos this time? Do I just decide to write off our other baby too? I can't help but feel putting that baby back into my womb is a death sentence in itself and I have to really stand against that! But this is all coming from a hurting heart who simply doesn't understand.

Many people who should never be parents and God himself sees this, are parents. They hurt their children and themselves sometimes too. But there they are, with one or more, often many children and all I am asking for is this one, maybe 2!

Yes God, I question you, and I am openly admitting I don't like what's going on, but I also trust you. I seek you for a mircle because you are the only one who can do it. And if it doesn't work, I trust you to heal us both and show us the way forward.

For now, on Monday, the day before all becomes clear ... I think, I am asking PLEASE God in your mercy turn things right around so that our baby is still alive and growing in my womb and will be born into this world a healthy baby. I will go through the tough because I know you will carry me, and I will give you glory for you are the only one who deserves it. I will try not to question and doubt you all the time and whatever is thrown my way I will try my best to always cling to you. I want to ask that you fill the gap where I fall so short.

God gave me words to a tune I wrote some time back. They are simple, but here they are:
I do believe, oh yes I do believe.
I believe in God, oh yes I do believe.
I believe in You
In all that You can do
Oh yes I do beleive
Help me with my unbelief

It is based on the scripture Mark 9:24 where a boys father says I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. I believe God can give us a child and make things right in my body, I am not sure if He will, so I am asking Him - oh Lord help me overcome the doubts I have, fill me with faith and do this miracle please.