There can't be miracles ... Well not for me anyway. The pregnancy test came back negative! I wasn't overly shocked, but the tears still came. And as the day has gone on the tears have come and gone. I've slept, I've cried, I've slept I've phoned various doctors rooms and then I've cried and then I got cross and then I felt defeated. I am defeated. Cause I can believe, I can hope, I can pray, I can call doctors and insist on blood work, I can cry out to God and cry my eyes dry giving myself a headache, but I can't make it work. I can't make that embryo turn into a baby! I feel useless, hopeless and a definite failure.
You know I called Guys to ask why they don't do bloods routinely and they said it is just not part of their protocol. I mentioned stories of people who have had negative home tests but low positive bloods and went on to have a baby. These stories are not so rare that they are impossible to find. In a quick online search I found many of these stories. But then I'm silly for reading these stories and comparing myself to them - right? They told me that its highly unlikely and suggested maybe I should buy another home test if I'm concerned. They said they won't refuse a blood test and booked me in for tomorrow morning at 9.10. I don't feel like going, but hey! I have to make sure the baby had some sort of chance.
Also I was concerned the information on the steroid treatment says not to stop these drugs straight away so I asked about this too. The nurse said, well you need to go down to 20mg for 3 days, 15mg for 3 days and then 10mg for a week and 5mg for the last 3 days. I said I am already on 20mg what does she mean about going down. She said "oh gosh, we always prescribe 30mg or at least 25mg. Hmm, wonder why you were on such a low dose?" I was instantly angry, but what can be done now. I was on that treatment because I was told I had high natural killer cells and this would prevent the baby from implanting. So if I was given too low a dose, then maybe this is why it didn't work. Or then, don't I serve a God who can overcome this world, so why didn't He just do it anyway?
So of course I feel so disappointed in God. My friend Clare is expecting her 3rd baby, sister in law expecting 2nd and the worst is my missionary aunt who is 7 years older than me is expecting her 4th (hmm, expecting us to pay for her big family while she apparently serves God)! I know, that is a dreadful thing to say, and I am sorry for being like this. I'm just hurting! I feel anger and hurt at God for allowing these woman to flourish whilst I sit here fading away! Ultimately He is the only one who can do it and He won't. I sat screaming earlier saying "God, do you hate me? You have shown others such great favour and me ... I have been suffering for years!
Someone said to me that some people have so much more to endure in life as part of Gods plan. They have greater testimony or something. It is some people's lot to have many tests, and how we come out the other end is what matters. Ok then, I'll pick myself up, I'll sing these worship songs and I'll put on a brave face. I'll try hold on to the dreams and hopes, the prophetic words and promises. I'll try to believe that God will give me a break, a break from the suffering and also grant us the desire of our heart to be parents of our own biological baby. But it may take me a while to be ok. It may take me a while to stop being angry, to stop the tears and to be filled with faith again.
I may not update for a while, but we have booked an appointment at the Zeta West Clinic for 18th December. I was hoping to announce our pregnancy as a birthday gift to Williams Mum that day. It was the first appointment we could get. It may cost a lot, but we'll have to find the money. I have hope in that clinic and the way they do things. Let's see what they say hey.
No comments:
Post a Comment