There can't be miracles ... Well not for me anyway. The pregnancy test came back negative! I wasn't overly shocked, but the tears still came. And as the day has gone on the tears have come and gone. I've slept, I've cried, I've slept I've phoned various doctors rooms and then I've cried and then I got cross and then I felt defeated. I am defeated. Cause I can believe, I can hope, I can pray, I can call doctors and insist on blood work, I can cry out to God and cry my eyes dry giving myself a headache, but I can't make it work. I can't make that embryo turn into a baby! I feel useless, hopeless and a definite failure.
You know I called Guys to ask why they don't do bloods routinely and they said it is just not part of their protocol. I mentioned stories of people who have had negative home tests but low positive bloods and went on to have a baby. These stories are not so rare that they are impossible to find. In a quick online search I found many of these stories. But then I'm silly for reading these stories and comparing myself to them - right? They told me that its highly unlikely and suggested maybe I should buy another home test if I'm concerned. They said they won't refuse a blood test and booked me in for tomorrow morning at 9.10. I don't feel like going, but hey! I have to make sure the baby had some sort of chance.
Also I was concerned the information on the steroid treatment says not to stop these drugs straight away so I asked about this too. The nurse said, well you need to go down to 20mg for 3 days, 15mg for 3 days and then 10mg for a week and 5mg for the last 3 days. I said I am already on 20mg what does she mean about going down. She said "oh gosh, we always prescribe 30mg or at least 25mg. Hmm, wonder why you were on such a low dose?" I was instantly angry, but what can be done now. I was on that treatment because I was told I had high natural killer cells and this would prevent the baby from implanting. So if I was given too low a dose, then maybe this is why it didn't work. Or then, don't I serve a God who can overcome this world, so why didn't He just do it anyway?
So of course I feel so disappointed in God. My friend Clare is expecting her 3rd baby, sister in law expecting 2nd and the worst is my missionary aunt who is 7 years older than me is expecting her 4th (hmm, expecting us to pay for her big family while she apparently serves God)! I know, that is a dreadful thing to say, and I am sorry for being like this. I'm just hurting! I feel anger and hurt at God for allowing these woman to flourish whilst I sit here fading away! Ultimately He is the only one who can do it and He won't. I sat screaming earlier saying "God, do you hate me? You have shown others such great favour and me ... I have been suffering for years!
Someone said to me that some people have so much more to endure in life as part of Gods plan. They have greater testimony or something. It is some people's lot to have many tests, and how we come out the other end is what matters. Ok then, I'll pick myself up, I'll sing these worship songs and I'll put on a brave face. I'll try hold on to the dreams and hopes, the prophetic words and promises. I'll try to believe that God will give me a break, a break from the suffering and also grant us the desire of our heart to be parents of our own biological baby. But it may take me a while to be ok. It may take me a while to stop being angry, to stop the tears and to be filled with faith again.
I may not update for a while, but we have booked an appointment at the Zeta West Clinic for 18th December. I was hoping to announce our pregnancy as a birthday gift to Williams Mum that day. It was the first appointment we could get. It may cost a lot, but we'll have to find the money. I have hope in that clinic and the way they do things. Let's see what they say hey.
Tuesday 15 October 2013
Monday 14 October 2013
There can be miracles
And here I sit, Monday afternoon. I've spent the whole day in bed. Well, inbetween getting food from the kitchen and frequent wee trips! It is meant to be my busiest day, but I have rested. My mind has not, but my body has. And after all this, if I'm not pregnant, well I still needed this time.
In my enthusiasm and also impatience I convinced myself doing the First Response pregnancy test on Sunday a mere 48 hours early would show up enough levels of the pregnancy hormone to give us the positive we have longed for. Hmm, it came back negative and suddenly my world turned upside down.
This last week has been dreadful. I have had cramping getting worse with every day. As the days have gone on it is increasingly like period pain with heaviness down below. I had convinced myself it hasn't worked. I was initially sensitive to smells, now I am not so much. I have developed a horrible not easy to describe taste in my mouth and have had days of consitpation(which is VERY much unlike me). Other days I've gone once, maybe twice unlike the 3-5 times I normally go. I have very sore breasts, but then no more than I tend to get every month before my period. I thought they were bigger, but they are not usually that small anyway. Since Friday I have had a fuzzy feeling in my head that leaves me feeling a bit sick on and off. Whenever I exert myself slightly I feel a bit sick, get some stronger cramps and then can feel dizzy. I am very tired - maybe not sleeping well enough. Each thing can be described away by attributing it to the concoction of drugs I'm on, or even wishful thinking, or doing too much when my body is under so much pressure. Either way, my heart and mind are doing battle with each other. One day my heart beleives but my mind explains it away, the other day my mind says this could be it when in my heart I feel it isn't. This roller coaster is terrible and I hate that I am on it. Are there not more straight forward routes? Can I not either have success or a lack of want to attain it?
So back to here and now. What do I feel, what do I believe and what can I do about it anyway. Ok, so I have to test tomorrow because that is when I was told to test ... Naughty me thinking the hundreds of blogs and fertility friends posts would influence my outcome. I'm sure God is trying to teach me a lesson in patience anyway, because I am the first to admit it is my weakest point. But what happens next. In my heart I want to believe in the miracle ... There can be miracles when we believe, though hope is frail it's hard to kill. To me that means when you are hanging on by the tenter hooks to the teeny tiny bit of hope nobody can kill it (the hope) it won't be squashed! Where would we be if we had lost hope. And in that moment when we saw a negative my hope was lost. It didn't stay away because God replaced it and gave me peace with it. I let my head think about it and I am begging God to have mercy on me and this baby, that he will allow this child to be born into the world. Selfishly, I want to know my child, I want to help raise him (or her) and I want it really badly. But I can't do anymore now ... Wait and pray and hope!
Yesterday I started to entertain the idea of adoption again. I love the children I care for with a special kind of love that I don't see other minders having. So maybe I could love an adopted child far more than anyone else could? Maybe I shouldn't write this off all the time, cause maybe God is being clear about it and is annoyed I am not listening. Then again I think well why did I get 2 frozen embryos this time? Do I just decide to write off our other baby too? I can't help but feel putting that baby back into my womb is a death sentence in itself and I have to really stand against that! But this is all coming from a hurting heart who simply doesn't understand.
Many people who should never be parents and God himself sees this, are parents. They hurt their children and themselves sometimes too. But there they are, with one or more, often many children and all I am asking for is this one, maybe 2!
Yes God, I question you, and I am openly admitting I don't like what's going on, but I also trust you. I seek you for a mircle because you are the only one who can do it. And if it doesn't work, I trust you to heal us both and show us the way forward.
For now, on Monday, the day before all becomes clear ... I think, I am asking PLEASE God in your mercy turn things right around so that our baby is still alive and growing in my womb and will be born into this world a healthy baby. I will go through the tough because I know you will carry me, and I will give you glory for you are the only one who deserves it. I will try not to question and doubt you all the time and whatever is thrown my way I will try my best to always cling to you. I want to ask that you fill the gap where I fall so short.
God gave me words to a tune I wrote some time back. They are simple, but here they are:
I do believe, oh yes I do believe.
I believe in God, oh yes I do believe.
I believe in You
In all that You can do
Oh yes I do beleive
Help me with my unbelief
It is based on the scripture Mark 9:24 where a boys father says I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. I believe God can give us a child and make things right in my body, I am not sure if He will, so I am asking Him - oh Lord help me overcome the doubts I have, fill me with faith and do this miracle please.
In my enthusiasm and also impatience I convinced myself doing the First Response pregnancy test on Sunday a mere 48 hours early would show up enough levels of the pregnancy hormone to give us the positive we have longed for. Hmm, it came back negative and suddenly my world turned upside down.
This last week has been dreadful. I have had cramping getting worse with every day. As the days have gone on it is increasingly like period pain with heaviness down below. I had convinced myself it hasn't worked. I was initially sensitive to smells, now I am not so much. I have developed a horrible not easy to describe taste in my mouth and have had days of consitpation(which is VERY much unlike me). Other days I've gone once, maybe twice unlike the 3-5 times I normally go. I have very sore breasts, but then no more than I tend to get every month before my period. I thought they were bigger, but they are not usually that small anyway. Since Friday I have had a fuzzy feeling in my head that leaves me feeling a bit sick on and off. Whenever I exert myself slightly I feel a bit sick, get some stronger cramps and then can feel dizzy. I am very tired - maybe not sleeping well enough. Each thing can be described away by attributing it to the concoction of drugs I'm on, or even wishful thinking, or doing too much when my body is under so much pressure. Either way, my heart and mind are doing battle with each other. One day my heart beleives but my mind explains it away, the other day my mind says this could be it when in my heart I feel it isn't. This roller coaster is terrible and I hate that I am on it. Are there not more straight forward routes? Can I not either have success or a lack of want to attain it?
So back to here and now. What do I feel, what do I believe and what can I do about it anyway. Ok, so I have to test tomorrow because that is when I was told to test ... Naughty me thinking the hundreds of blogs and fertility friends posts would influence my outcome. I'm sure God is trying to teach me a lesson in patience anyway, because I am the first to admit it is my weakest point. But what happens next. In my heart I want to believe in the miracle ... There can be miracles when we believe, though hope is frail it's hard to kill. To me that means when you are hanging on by the tenter hooks to the teeny tiny bit of hope nobody can kill it (the hope) it won't be squashed! Where would we be if we had lost hope. And in that moment when we saw a negative my hope was lost. It didn't stay away because God replaced it and gave me peace with it. I let my head think about it and I am begging God to have mercy on me and this baby, that he will allow this child to be born into the world. Selfishly, I want to know my child, I want to help raise him (or her) and I want it really badly. But I can't do anymore now ... Wait and pray and hope!
Yesterday I started to entertain the idea of adoption again. I love the children I care for with a special kind of love that I don't see other minders having. So maybe I could love an adopted child far more than anyone else could? Maybe I shouldn't write this off all the time, cause maybe God is being clear about it and is annoyed I am not listening. Then again I think well why did I get 2 frozen embryos this time? Do I just decide to write off our other baby too? I can't help but feel putting that baby back into my womb is a death sentence in itself and I have to really stand against that! But this is all coming from a hurting heart who simply doesn't understand.
Many people who should never be parents and God himself sees this, are parents. They hurt their children and themselves sometimes too. But there they are, with one or more, often many children and all I am asking for is this one, maybe 2!
Yes God, I question you, and I am openly admitting I don't like what's going on, but I also trust you. I seek you for a mircle because you are the only one who can do it. And if it doesn't work, I trust you to heal us both and show us the way forward.
For now, on Monday, the day before all becomes clear ... I think, I am asking PLEASE God in your mercy turn things right around so that our baby is still alive and growing in my womb and will be born into this world a healthy baby. I will go through the tough because I know you will carry me, and I will give you glory for you are the only one who deserves it. I will try not to question and doubt you all the time and whatever is thrown my way I will try my best to always cling to you. I want to ask that you fill the gap where I fall so short.
God gave me words to a tune I wrote some time back. They are simple, but here they are:
I do believe, oh yes I do believe.
I believe in God, oh yes I do believe.
I believe in You
In all that You can do
Oh yes I do beleive
Help me with my unbelief
It is based on the scripture Mark 9:24 where a boys father says I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. I believe God can give us a child and make things right in my body, I am not sure if He will, so I am asking Him - oh Lord help me overcome the doubts I have, fill me with faith and do this miracle please.
Tuesday 1 October 2013
Less than a week
I have not written on a blog post for such a long time. I found the time was taken up with writing notes for children every day ... What they ate, the contents of their nappies, what they said and did during the day. Oh yes, the joys of being a childminder. I listen to the Rediculous excusese from parents for poor clothes choice, why they can't pick up their sick child, why their child is so tired and so on. Now please, don't get me wrong, I actually love my job. When A comes running up to me with her huge grin and gives me a big hug saying Oh I love you Carol. And when she sings Happy Day-she shouts out "Jesus is alive!" Oh and when F rattles off "ddddddddddd get down." Which is his version of thank you for my dinner, please can I get down. And when he covers his head with a blanket, pulls it off and says "pee-a-boo." His great excitement when he sees A, or my cats! The fact that he loves being with me and asks after me all weekend. And G who makes me laugh with her fantastic comments-like this week I taught her that jellyfish have tentacles and she said oh, one tickle, two tickle, three tickle. I see why some people write down what their kids say. I was very sad to say good-bye to C and am so glad we will still see him some of the time at toddlers. Baby J cries and doesn't sleep a great deal, but also has the greatest leopard crawl and giggle.
Enough about those kids, what about me? Working with children, giving them kisses and cuddles when they fall and having them sleep on my lap reminds me of what I still don't have. They comfort me as much as I'm comforting them ... maybe.
After failed surrogacy IVF attempts and then our own failed IVF we find ourselves here ... in the middle of a frozen embryo transfer. And I'm filled with all sorts of emotions. Besides that if you shake me I'd rattle with the amount of drugs I'm on. So different to IVF treatments in the past ... Lets compare:
Take buserilin sniffer-finds it makes me rather sick so swap to injections for 3 1/2 weeks until fully down regulated. Scan says go for it!
Now start Gonal F 150 units and go for bloods and scan...eek, lets increase to 225 units.
Scan says a few more days, pain is getting bad, tummy swollen, oh the stress!
Next scan says quick, you're ready, take the HCG trigger.
Oh, we've got 12 eggs
And 8 have fertilised
Start cycolgest pesaries one in the morning one at night until pregnancy test.
Day 3- they are all growing at more or less the same rate so lets wait till day 5.
Day 5-we'll put 2 back in. No no we won't says the doc, far too risky for you! But what will happen to the 2 other good ones- we'll freeze one and check the other one tomorrow.
Transfer was super painful-I didn't know it would be like that!
Day 6 yay, another one frozen!
Pregnancy test day-faint positive, happy or unsure.
Spotting begins 2 days later,bleading was never very heavy.
Bloods reveal Beta at less than 10 :-(
And then I took so long to get over it all emotionally that I couldn't face the unknown of a Frozen Embryo Cycle.
In the mean time I asked for a scan from my Gynae to check query hydrosalpinx...long story short he says no, just loculated adhesions with a cyst that he would like to drain just before starting the transfer cycle. Ok, so now I have a decision to make, well we have a decision. I know it is my body, but we are in this together. And then we just went with when the doctor could schedule the cyst draining. Oh yes, and in the mean time we found I had high natural killer cells which meant I will need to take some extra meds to prevent my body from fighting against our baby when it is put back in. Sorry this is all over the place, I'm just getting it off my chest all in one go and as it comes to my mind.
24 July and we go for an appointment at Guys to get the scheduling for the Frozen Embryo transfer. It all ended up seeming a lot longer than we thought it would be, and with a lovely and much needed week holiday in Greece booked for September and the cyst draining being only 2 days before I'm meant to start the first set of drugs the doctor strongly suggested we postpone treatment by one month. For goodness sake-can things not just go according to plan for once! And then I'm reminded this will always be God's timing, and we have prayed and trusted His timing is perfect!
So 26 July and I'm there for the hysteroscopy and cyst draining. It goes well, as well as I guess it could. Cyst was fairly big and found a few polyps on the womb that were removed too. Time to recover and wait for that amazing holiday.
24 August I start buserilin injections - I forget just how much I hate these things. I have a few allergic reactions to the injections, but with much prayer these go.
31 August and we're jetting off to a week of relaxation and luxury. BUT my period is due today...eventually on the 4th September we do a Greek pregnancy test. What a strange moment, where after about 9 years of infertility struggles we find ourselves hoping this is negative. Why? Well coz I'm on buserilin again and don't want a pregnancy to be tainted with possible deformalities or miscarriage because of the drugs I'm on. It was negative and the next day the red enemy arrived - although this time she was my friend. She marked the beginning of this new try. This different step.
Here's the drugs for this one:
Buserilin injections 50 units from day 21 until period, then drop to 20 units the day period starts(that was later than we expected)
6mg progynovia which is estrogen. Eek they made me dizzy so I took them earlier in the day to have the dizziness when I was sleeping.
Scan at day 15 reveals lining is only 5.2mm not thick enough.
So they increase the progynovia to 8mg (that is 4 tablets). Now I was told to take all the tablets at once at night time to sleep off the side affects. As I said before I took them earlier in the day because of dizziness. Well with the increase came terrible sickness feelings and the dizziness returned full force. This is when I learned that taking all the tablets will cause a big surge so it is best to space the tablets throughout the day. Hmm, this meant 4 alarms during the day to remember. Took a few days but I settled into that.
Scan on 27 September shows triple stripe. Apparently this is good cause the nurse was so excited. I came home and looked it up on another persons blog actually. Google proved semi helpful, but it was this blog that explained it better. Triple stripe is supposed to mean better success...well anything to give me more hope!
And the transfer was scheduled for Friday 4th October at 12.50. Please defrost safely baby!!!
Saturday I took the last buserilin and somehow I was sad, as much as I hate injections. Guess it meant next steps were closer, and the pessimistic side of me thinks once step closer to finding out that it hasn't worked again. Hmmm, I've prayed against that negativity and can only hope and pray it does work.
Now 2 cycolgest pesaries added - one in the morning and one at night.
Also, something's different again is the predisinol 20mg in the morning after breakfast for immune issues. They have nasty side affects, but lets just hope I get none of that!
And here I am, the countdown to Friday, but even more so the countdown to test day.
I realise this was boring reading, but I'll write a bit more on feelings and as we go through it when I have time. I just wanted to play catch up with the so fars.
Enough about those kids, what about me? Working with children, giving them kisses and cuddles when they fall and having them sleep on my lap reminds me of what I still don't have. They comfort me as much as I'm comforting them ... maybe.
After failed surrogacy IVF attempts and then our own failed IVF we find ourselves here ... in the middle of a frozen embryo transfer. And I'm filled with all sorts of emotions. Besides that if you shake me I'd rattle with the amount of drugs I'm on. So different to IVF treatments in the past ... Lets compare:
Take buserilin sniffer-finds it makes me rather sick so swap to injections for 3 1/2 weeks until fully down regulated. Scan says go for it!
Now start Gonal F 150 units and go for bloods and scan...eek, lets increase to 225 units.
Scan says a few more days, pain is getting bad, tummy swollen, oh the stress!
Next scan says quick, you're ready, take the HCG trigger.
Oh, we've got 12 eggs
And 8 have fertilised
Start cycolgest pesaries one in the morning one at night until pregnancy test.
Day 3- they are all growing at more or less the same rate so lets wait till day 5.
Day 5-we'll put 2 back in. No no we won't says the doc, far too risky for you! But what will happen to the 2 other good ones- we'll freeze one and check the other one tomorrow.
Transfer was super painful-I didn't know it would be like that!
Day 6 yay, another one frozen!
Pregnancy test day-faint positive, happy or unsure.
Spotting begins 2 days later,bleading was never very heavy.
Bloods reveal Beta at less than 10 :-(
And then I took so long to get over it all emotionally that I couldn't face the unknown of a Frozen Embryo Cycle.
In the mean time I asked for a scan from my Gynae to check query hydrosalpinx...long story short he says no, just loculated adhesions with a cyst that he would like to drain just before starting the transfer cycle. Ok, so now I have a decision to make, well we have a decision. I know it is my body, but we are in this together. And then we just went with when the doctor could schedule the cyst draining. Oh yes, and in the mean time we found I had high natural killer cells which meant I will need to take some extra meds to prevent my body from fighting against our baby when it is put back in. Sorry this is all over the place, I'm just getting it off my chest all in one go and as it comes to my mind.
24 July and we go for an appointment at Guys to get the scheduling for the Frozen Embryo transfer. It all ended up seeming a lot longer than we thought it would be, and with a lovely and much needed week holiday in Greece booked for September and the cyst draining being only 2 days before I'm meant to start the first set of drugs the doctor strongly suggested we postpone treatment by one month. For goodness sake-can things not just go according to plan for once! And then I'm reminded this will always be God's timing, and we have prayed and trusted His timing is perfect!
So 26 July and I'm there for the hysteroscopy and cyst draining. It goes well, as well as I guess it could. Cyst was fairly big and found a few polyps on the womb that were removed too. Time to recover and wait for that amazing holiday.
24 August I start buserilin injections - I forget just how much I hate these things. I have a few allergic reactions to the injections, but with much prayer these go.
31 August and we're jetting off to a week of relaxation and luxury. BUT my period is due today...eventually on the 4th September we do a Greek pregnancy test. What a strange moment, where after about 9 years of infertility struggles we find ourselves hoping this is negative. Why? Well coz I'm on buserilin again and don't want a pregnancy to be tainted with possible deformalities or miscarriage because of the drugs I'm on. It was negative and the next day the red enemy arrived - although this time she was my friend. She marked the beginning of this new try. This different step.
Here's the drugs for this one:
Buserilin injections 50 units from day 21 until period, then drop to 20 units the day period starts(that was later than we expected)
6mg progynovia which is estrogen. Eek they made me dizzy so I took them earlier in the day to have the dizziness when I was sleeping.
Scan at day 15 reveals lining is only 5.2mm not thick enough.
So they increase the progynovia to 8mg (that is 4 tablets). Now I was told to take all the tablets at once at night time to sleep off the side affects. As I said before I took them earlier in the day because of dizziness. Well with the increase came terrible sickness feelings and the dizziness returned full force. This is when I learned that taking all the tablets will cause a big surge so it is best to space the tablets throughout the day. Hmm, this meant 4 alarms during the day to remember. Took a few days but I settled into that.
Scan on 27 September shows triple stripe. Apparently this is good cause the nurse was so excited. I came home and looked it up on another persons blog actually. Google proved semi helpful, but it was this blog that explained it better. Triple stripe is supposed to mean better success...well anything to give me more hope!
And the transfer was scheduled for Friday 4th October at 12.50. Please defrost safely baby!!!
Saturday I took the last buserilin and somehow I was sad, as much as I hate injections. Guess it meant next steps were closer, and the pessimistic side of me thinks once step closer to finding out that it hasn't worked again. Hmmm, I've prayed against that negativity and can only hope and pray it does work.
Now 2 cycolgest pesaries added - one in the morning and one at night.
Also, something's different again is the predisinol 20mg in the morning after breakfast for immune issues. They have nasty side affects, but lets just hope I get none of that!
And here I am, the countdown to Friday, but even more so the countdown to test day.
I realise this was boring reading, but I'll write a bit more on feelings and as we go through it when I have time. I just wanted to play catch up with the so fars.
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